German Thal: Omg, your name is Carrie and you see a psychiatrist, what next, telekinesis?
Esteban Faggett: All prescription drugs come with a trade name and a generic name. For example, Tylenol is also acetomenaphin, Advil is Ibuprophen, and Aleve is Naproxen. Well the makers of Viagra have been in meetings discussing the generic name for Viagra. They have settled on Mydixaphalin. Also considered were, mydixafloppin, mycoxafalin, and Coxarobba. Also, Viagra will be marketed by Pepsi in liquid form as a mixer. This gives a new meaning to "highballs" and "stiff drinks". It will be marketed under the name: "Mount and Do". The most starteling fact in this is that currently more money is spent every year on erectile dysfunction than is spent on Alzheimer's research. This means that my 2050, there will be a large elderly population with large breasts and huge erections and absolutely no idea what to do with them....Show more
Tricia Dossous: They don't have ! to take abuse from patients.Why would you cuss someone that was trying to help you?
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Merlin Fleischhacker: Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks "why the long face?"
Vern Serratos: It's the second one. "She invited Lesley and me to the movies." :)
Lu Tiner: fresh fish:the new guy in prison is sitting in his cell his first night, contemplating his future. All of a sudden, someone yells out, "154", and everyone starts laughing. Then again, "67'', more laughing. Then, "598'', and the whole prison busts out laughing.This goes on for about 2 weeks. Finally, he makes a friend, and decides to ask what's all the number shouting and laughing about. "Well," says the friend, "most of us old timers have been here so long, we don't even bother telling jokes anymore. We just assigned all jokes a number". Ok, the newbie thought, it does make sense in a weird kind of way.That night, the jok! es began again. "674'', sheer hysteria. "987", too funny. "432! '' , a classic. Anxious to get in on the action, the new guy yells out, "56". silence. not a word. you could hear a pin drop. Disappointed, the fresh fish goes to sleep. The next day he rushed around to find his friend. ''Hey," he said, "what's up with the jokes last night? I told my favorite and didn't get one laugh"."friend," he replied, "you know, some people can tell a joke, and, well, some just can't....Show more
Angel Klym: There is this old couple who went to the doctors for a check up. The husband went first. The doctor said that he was very healthy for his age. and the man replied "i should be i dont drink i dont smoke and the good lord takes care of me" the doctor said how does the good lord take care of you. he said last night when i went to go to the bath room i opened the door and the lord turned the light on for me. The doctor said ok. and told him to tell his wife to come in. He said your in really good health for your age also. she said i should be! i dont drink i dont smoke... and the doctor said and let me guess the good lord takes care of you. She said yes he does how did you guess. The doctor said well your husband said that last night when he went to the bathroom when he opened the door the Lord turned the light on for him. The old lady shook her head and said " he peed in the fridge again"...Show more
Marita Stadick: i cussed out my psychiatrist is that a bad thing and why did he quite on me i thought when u get assigned a psychiatrist they have to stay wit u !
Elissa Curlin: my dog has no nosehow does he smell?Awful
Perry Deshazior: What did the Scottish man call the short Chinese man?Wee.What do you say if you wind up at the wrong address in China?"I'm at the 'wong' Wong".What's up?Nothin' but the ceiling dude....Show more
Fritz Hawkey: The second one is correct. You would not say, 'She invited I to the movies.' would you?
Gregory Dilg: She invited Lesley and I to the movies.!
Angelyn Ducas: 3 little boys were brought before a judge...the f! irst boy approaches the bench and the judge says whats your name son? the little looked up and said my name is Francise. Judge says what did you do to be here today? the little boy says i was sucking sugarcane. the judge says well that's not so bad, you can go. the second little boy approaches the bench and the judge says whats your name son? the little boy looked up and said my name is Davis. Judge says what did you do to be here today? the little boy says i was sucking sugarcane. the judge says well that's not bad you can go. then the third little boy approaches the bench and the judge says, what's your name son. the little boy looks up and says well my name is Sugarcane...lmfao ya gotta love it...Show more
Maye Delk: A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Dave?"A leper walks into a bar. He's in pretty bad shape and everyone is horrified. He says to the bartender, "! Look I know Im a mess, I dont have much longer, and I just want to be served a drink like a man one last time." The bartender is touched by this, and says, "Ok, sit down here, Ill make you anything you want." The leper sits at the bar and orders a Manhatten.The bartender starts making the drink, turns back to look at the leper, his eyes get huge and he starts throwing up all over himself and the bar. The leper's not too surprised, he's seen this before. The bartender apologizes, cleans up and starts making the leper another drink. As hes doing so, he looks over again at the leper, this time his face goes white and he starts dry-heaving. The leper says, "Look, man, if youre that disgusted, never mind the drink, Ill go somewhere else."The bartender says, "Look, Im sorry but it isnt you."Leper says, "Then what the hell is it??"Bartender says, "Its the drunk next to you, dipping his chips in your arm."This guy walking down the street encounters a new mother, wheeling her baby i! n a stroller. He stops, looks in, and says, "Lady, that is by far the U! GLIEST kid Ive ever seen. Are you sure you didnt bring the afterbirth home by mistake?" The mother of course, is highly offended. She starts screaming for a cop. A cop shows up and the woman screams, "I want this man arrested! He insulted me horribly!" The cop says, "Ok, ok, Ill get to the bottom of this. We're all going down to the station to get statements. If you calm down, lady, I promise to get your monkey a banana."A sailor just arrived in London. He's walking around, never been there before, when he sees a beautiful woman walking toward him. It's a very windy day and as she gets closer a hard gust flips her dress up over her head. The sailor can see she is MORTIFIED with embarrassment about this and trys to make her feel better. He says to her, "A might airy today, isnt it?""She gets red in the face, and says, "Well, how would ya 'ave it, BALD?"...Show more
Cornelius Thornborrow: what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?......wiped his ***.
Madlyn Fallis: a guy on vacation in Spain is going right into a eating position and in the present day encounters a scrumptious aroma. He figures out that is coming from a dish being served to a guy close to him and so he calls the waiter and asks, "what's that guy over there ingesting? It smells large!" The waiter says, "those are the bull testicles from the bullfight this morning, Senor." the guy is somewhat shocked at this, yet orders them though, and certain adequate, they are scrumptious. He comes back the subsequent day and orders an same element. He unearths it as strong as earlier, yet is somewhat upset by utilizing the skimpy length of the dish. So he calls the waiter once extra and complains, "it became nonetheless strong, yet you probably did not provide me very a lot!" The waiter replies, "Si, Senor, now and again the bull wins."...Show more
Jerald Florence: If you are s! erious (read Pukebob's answer) then I don't blame him for quitting on y! ou! Maybe you should try listening to him or his replacement next time.
Bethany Blocker: She inveted Lesley and I to the moviesorShe invited Lesley and me to the movies.
Inge Mclaurine: This is for chuchusmomma-----I haven't read such good jokes in a long time. I laughed till I cried. Thanks so much for making my day. You have my vote 100%. Thanks again!!!!!!!!!!
Beau Starcevic: need it for our group cheer... it needs to be japanese themed... :))
Bell Pasco: A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. crocodile sees this ! and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~A gynecologist wants a change of pace so she decides to become amechanic. After two weeks' training, there's a test. Each studentin the class is required to take apart an engine, and put it backtogether again.When the results come back, another student sees the gyno's gradeand complains,"How did she get a 150% if 100% is a perfect score?""Well," the teacher says, "you got 50 ! points for taking theengine apart and 50 for putting it back together a! gain.""So, how did she get 150?""Well, she took it apart right, so there's 50, she put it backtogether right, another 50. But, she got an extra fifty for doingit all through the muffler."~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't ! getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"All of these jokes, with all due respect....Show more
Sheron Perrez: She invited Lesley and I to the movies.
Mahalia Brindle: Take out "Lesley" and re-read the sentence. Which way sounds better: "She invited me to the movies." or "She invited I to the movies."?She invited Lesley and me to the movies.
Marjory Stromme: A man has six children... A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"His wife, finally fed up with her husband sho! uts back,"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"...Show more
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Fritz Sisomphou: 2 muffins r n an oven.1 looks at the other and says, "man it's hot n here"The other looks at him and say's ," HOLY CRAP!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!"
Marion Wieboldt: Neither.The first has a spelling mistake, and the second is grammatically incorrect.
Porfirio Gartland: Sorry but no offense to blondes:1) There were three girls that were meeting each other in the middle of a desert, one blonde, one brunette, and one red head. They each brought one thing with them. The red head said, "I brought sun screen so we don't get sun burned. The brunette said, "I brought water so we won't get dehydrated." And then the blonde said, "I brought a car door!" The other two girls asked her why and the blonde replied, "Duh, so I can roll down the window if it gets to hot."These are old school jokes:2) Q: What kind of jokes to astronauts like to listen to?A: Rock-et-Roll3) Q: Why did ! the football coach go to the bank?A: To get his quarterback4) Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?A: Cuz 7 ate 95) I am dumb, not a joke...Show more
Christopher Calcano: you used up 5 points
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